I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
