Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Pants are for mortals
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My bed smells like the plague
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize