went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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