she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
wrigley field is MILF paradise
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
