Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
