I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
