i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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