I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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