remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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