I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
