bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
