I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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