I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Everyone says I win the strip club
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
