Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
