I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
