A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i think i scared a bird with my dick
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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