He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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