dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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