If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
