some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize