JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
