Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
