OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
