I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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