I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize