All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
