I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
