Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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