it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
