Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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