Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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