I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
