Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
