I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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