Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
