I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
