There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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