Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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