mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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