Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
