she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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