i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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