Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
