1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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