At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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