half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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