when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
