i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I think I just sharted jello shots
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