Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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