Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
