Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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