My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
