My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
