i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
